Well, I thought I would post about what has recently been happening in our lives. It has taken me such a long time to even begin this post. I've gone back and forth deciding if I should share. I knew it would bring up so many emotions. After long thought and prayer I feel like its time to share. I'm wanting to share to let others out there know you are not alone and it's okay to be open if you choose to.
So here we go...
Around the beginning of this year we had begun thinking about having another baby. In April and May I began shots and I was driving to Seattle nearly every other week for imaging and blood work. June 1, 2015 we had an embryo transfer and everything went great. We were given a picture of our embryo and drove home to rest. I was so thrilled and anxious to see if my pregnancy test would be positive. They check your HCG level about a week after the transfer. I'm probably one of the most impatient people ever and took a home pregnancy test. It was positive!!! (I did the same thing with Brielle) I immediately sent Charles a picture of the test. As happy as we were we waited to confirm with the doctor's office. They called a few days later with a positive test result. Brielle was going to be a big sister and we were so overjoyed. The start of Summer was coming and we were headed off to Texas for the first week of July. They usually check an ultrasound in Seattle at about 7 weeks but we would be in Texas at this time. I decided to wait and be seen by my OB after we returned where I would be about 9 weeks. We flew to Texas and I took it easy for the most part. I remember while being there hearing of someone I knew having a miscarriage. The idea of losing my baby terrified me. I was feeling a little nervous but Charles and my mom were there to reassure me things would be fine.
After we came back from Texas we were ready for our appointment but still had a little less than a week to wait. I was feeling pregnant- weight gain and fatigue mostly. I'll never forget the day of our appointment. I remember waiting what felt like forever- doctors offices always almost run behind.. Finally when we got back to the room I felt extrememly nervous and we waited there for a little bit. Finally my OB who has known us from before we even had Brielle walked in. She went ahead and started the ultrasound. She said nothing for a few minutes and that's when my heart sank... She said she couldn't see anything but continued to look. After finding no heart beat so looked over at me and said " I'm so sorry.." I was at a loss for words and all I could say was " That is so depressing." Soon after I broke down in tears and my doctors wrapped her arms around me. She left the room to give me and Charles a few minutes together. I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that something was wrong. I had thought everything was going fine and I didn't have any bleeding. We sat in that room together and I bawled. Poor Brielle had to come with us and looked concerned to see me so upset. I just felt completely devastated. It almost felt like I was having a nightmare. I kept thinking this can't be right.. the equipment must be broken. We met back inher office and I would meet again with my IVF specialist in Seattle in about a week. The wait to go to Seattle would be the longest week of my life.
This was one of the darkest times of my life. I was crying myself to sleep each night because I felt during the day I needed to be strong for Brielle. Some days I didn't even want to get out of bed but that was not an option. I felt like a failure and didn't understand why we were having to go through this. My heart was broken and I felt so numb. People were supportive for the most part but not many knew. People would say things like "Oh you can just try again." Do they not realize what trying again means.. I thought. It means more money that we don't have and we get to start the whole process over again. I also had a family member tell me "Well, at least you have Brielle." And yes, Brielle is my greatest blessing that was not what I needed to hear at the time. I was grieving a loss and all I wanted was to hear "I'm here for you." The best support you can give is just to be there to be "present" for someone. Be understanding. Functions with friends were hard. Charles and I had both taken this hard and weren't ready to socialize. You somehow have to be normal when you feel like at any moment you could lose it. It's not the place and time to tell someone what is going on. Besides at that time you just don't even want to go there.
After grieving what felt like for weeks we had another appointment in Seattle. I had a tiny glimmer of hope they would see a heartbeat since my HCG was at 145,000 which was really high. They proceeded with the ultrasound and for one split second the doctor thought he saw the heartbeat. After looking again he said there was no heartbeat and we probably lost the baby at about 6 weeks. He confirmed what we had really already know. But a part of me was hopeful that somehow our OB was wrong. We talked about my choices and I decided to wait things out. We couldn't think about trying again for awhile. I felt like all of my emotions were taxed out.
That next week I was bleeding and I knew it was coming. I thought after that month I was done but boy was I wrong! A few months later I found myself in the ER for nonstop bleeding. It was a scary experience and all I could think was God please don't let this lead to a hysterectomy. I had called Charles from work because I couldn't leave the toilet from all the bleeding. After being in the ER all night and losing so much blood I had a D and C. I was told a few weeks later that this is a rare occurence and I had just bad luck. What a year! By this time it was November and I was ready to try again. My IVF specialist decided it'd be best I let my body heal and I wait over a month before we start this process over.
Now as Christmas is coming I have so much to be grateful for. And although its been the roughest year yet I'm becoming a stronger individual. God is really teaching me patience. I'm trying to focus on Brielle as much as I can and enjoy the season. I'll be honest and say in the back of my mind I so desperately want another baby. God has a plan for our family and I just have to put my trust in him. We'll try again starting next year and pray that all works out. For now I am going to be the best mom I can be for Brielle and our family.
If you're reading this and you've suffered a miscarriage or are struggling with infertility you are not alone. I was suprised to find that 1 in 4 women have a miscarriages. That just blows my mind. And I know everyone grieves differently and some people prefer to keep things to themselves. I totally understand because this is of course a personal matter. Not everyone feels comfortable sharing their story but I thought I would share mine. I hope I can help others know that you are strong and you will get through this. Just sitting down to write this post has been healing for me. The best is yet to come! What really has been helping me in like the blog title says "find joy in the journey." We've had what feels like a painful year but in spite of it all I've had so many wonderful days with my family. And I'll continue to find joy into the new year.
Thanks for reading! May you and your family have a Merry Christmas.
